Low Demand Parenting
With any neurodivergent child, parenting styles have to shift. Not just a little, but drastically. This is challenging for parents because it usually goes against everything we believe a parent should do or how a parent should act. With a neurodivergent child (especially one with a pathological demand avoidance profile), telling a child what to do or asking them to do it, results in a complete shut down.
If you are not familiar (as most of us are not), Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a behavioral profile often associated with autism spectrum disorder, characterized by an extreme and pervasive avoidance of everyday demands and expectations. Individuals with PDA may exhibit a strong resistance to compliance, not simply as a reaction to authority or inconvenience, but as a fundamental coping mechanism. Unlike typical resistance, PDA is deeply rooted in an individual's anxiety and a profound need for control over their environment; it is a nervous system disability. Understanding and supporting someone with PDA often requires a tailored approach that emphasizes flexibility, collaboration, and reducing the pressure of demands, while acknowledging their unique challenges and coping strategies.
This is where low demand parenting comes in as a first step. This parenting style is a low arousal approach that consciously reduces demands to support the child’s nervous system regulation; the minimal expectations and control over a child's behavior allow for greater freedom and autonomy. This approach feels more like a discussion where all family members are on the same playing field.
For starters, using low demand language in the home is helpful. Here are some examples:
"What do you think we should do?" - Instead of giving direct instructions, this invites the child to make decisions and express their preferences.
"It's up to you whether you want to finish your homework now or later." - This gives the child control over when to complete tasks, emphasizing their autonomy.
"I trust you to make the right choice here." - This language shows confidence in the child’s ability to handle situations on their own.
"Feel free to let me know if you need any help, but I’m sure you’ve got this." - This encourages independence while offering support if needed.
"What do you think would be the best way to handle this situation?" - This prompts the child to think critically and come up with their own solutions.
"You can decide how you want to spend your free time." - This respects the child's choice in managing their own leisure activities.
"I’m here if you want to talk about it." - This provides an open invitation for discussion without pressuring the child to share or act in a specific way.
These examples reflect a supportive yet non-intrusive approach, allowing children to navigate their choices and develop their own sense of responsibility.
Talk soon,
Natalie
